Crying Out  Together
by AlmostDecent
Summary: A selfish desire, one that continually became harder to hold back. Now that it is becoming almost painful to control, she has to ask herself; is it really fair to compare herself to her?


I pitied her. I thought that her strange illness was unfair and cruel, I thought that her having to repeat her school years because of that illness was just as unfair.

I thought that her dieing due to the disease was tormentingly unjust, to the point of me passing more tears through my eyelids than I thought possible. The only thing that puts me even in the slightest state of happiness are the memories that she had created with her best friends, her family, and the father of her child. But even then, I couldn't force a smile onto my lips.

If I had dismissed my selfish desire for a higher education and instead stayed where I could have at least visited her more than once a year, would I have been able to differ the situation in some positive way? Thoughts of that sort enter my brain constantly, and I find myself on many occasions forcing back the sorrowful wail that threatens to escape my lips as I find another way to blame myself for the death of my best friend.

Despite these feelings I feel towards her, I feel an even stronger feeling towards him. A feeling that is both treturous and unforgivably selfish.

What if her death had been a good thing?

For the first several months I would ignore these typesof thoughts, and instead dig myself farther into my hole of depression. But as the idea continued to find its way into my brain, I began to put more thought into it before I completely dismissed it.

What if whatever god looked down upon me had given me a second chance to claim the one thing I wanted as my own? What if they had read my darkest desire and put it into action?

What if this was my last chance to replace Nagisa as Tomoya's lover?

I was filled with a new found feeling of hope, one that moved me without thinking. And although I could feel my legs move and I could feel my lips warp into a wide grin, I don't notice anything until I was mere feet from Tomoya's front door. But I had no intention of stopping myself.

I take the first conscious step towards Tomoya's home that I had taken in a long while. I continue onward until I am right in front of his door. I knock on it as calmly as I can force myself to. I look at the small name tag next to the door, and can barely suppress my giddiness upon seeing the ripped sheet of paper that now just read "Tomoya." As I hear him shuffle around on the other side of the door, I put on the most convincing look of sadness I could muster.

He looked just as I remembered.

The blue haired adult that stood in front of me looked exactly like the teen that I had become friends with all those years ago. If not for the layers of dark rings under his eyes, I would have thought him to be an exact image of what I thought he would look like.

"Kotomi?" Despite the fact that his voice was now hard to read due to the chain smoking he had taken up, I could hear the pleasant surprise that layered every work he spoke. He half way smiled as he spoke my name, a word that I'm sure hadn't escaped his lips since that day. I smiled back at him, forcing all of my other facial features to remain unwavering.

"Hello, Tomoya..." I spoke softly in an attempt to sound as though I was trying to hold back tears, "I just thought I'd come by since we haven't seen each other in so long."

He truly smiled at me, something I thought he would never do again. It comforted me, and for the slightest second I forgot what I was there to do. We looked at each other for a long while, before a gentle laugh that escaped his lips awoke us both.

"Well, do you want to come in?" He questioned, moving aside and slightly opening his door. I hesitated for but a second before I pushed him aside and strode into the house like it was my own.

"Sorry about the mess... He sheepishly scratched the back of his head, gesturing to the living room with his other hand.

Calling the place a mess would have been the understatement of the year. The place looked like a bomb had gone off. Loose trash and bowls of food from whoever knows when gave the room an unpleasant odor. I did not dare put my foot down on the carpet in fear of finding some sort of bug or mold. I pinched my nostrils shut, ignoring the uneasiness in my stomach, instead turning to look at Tomoya.

"Oh. My. God!" I shouted exasperatedly, "when was the last time you cleaned this place? It looks like a pig sty!"

A soon as I said this I wanted to call it back, to stop it from ever leaving my lips. For I already know the answer to the question, I already knew when he last cleaned this place, and why it hasn't been cleaned since.

"I don't have anyone to clean it for."

I bit my tongue, promising myself that I wouldn't let my ramblings lead to some insensitive thing like that. If my social awkwardness wanted to step in, I'd rather stay silent then to spout on aimlessly.

It was then that I realized something. This had been the first time since her death that Tomoya had mentioned Nagisa. I wasn't a therapist, but from what I could remember from the one time I had gone to one, Tomoya was, "coming to terms with a tragedy by not avoiding the topic," or something like that. I kept that in mind.

"Well, how are you?" I questioned, leaning against the small pillar that stood beside the door that led to his kitchen. He let out a deep sigh before answering.

"I'm doing good considering." He spoke flatly. I awaited more of an explanation, but none came. After what seemed like an hour long awkward silence, the gloomy mood in the air seemed to finally get to me.

"You should get out more often," I sat down on the chair nearest to him, letting my feet swing back and forth innocently. I looked up at him, and as I did I could practically watch as his heart slowly melted. " You're getting a little tubby, you need exercise."

I reached over and poked his chest with my finger, an action that immediately caused him to recoil in shock. He gulped loudly, wiping off the sweat that had began to roll down his forehead. From my close proximity, I could hear loud and clear his panting that had quickened in pace. I smiled at this, silently thinking to myself.

_Is he getting this excited over that little tap?_

I slightly lowered my eyelids, sending him the most seductive gaze I could muster. I had only seen pictures of people doing this, but as I mimicked them I could tell that his heart rate had increased. I couldn't suppress a smirk.

"How about we-"

"No!"

Tomoya tightly clenched his eyes shut as he covered both of his ears with his open palms. My smirk all but disappeared.

"Tomoya, what are you-"

"NO!" He cut me off again, this time louder. I resisted the urge to cover my ears just like he had covered his, but I quickly dismissed it.

"Tomoya!" 

"NO!"

"TOMOYA!"

He had not wavered the slightest of inches by the sound of my voice, and from the way he was behaving I doubted he ever would. I gulped, racking my brain for ideas on what to do.

I began walking calmly towards him, ignoring his constant screaming of curse words. As I got closer I could see him tightening up, despite the fact that he had not opened his eyes. I stopped mere inches from his body.

I swung my arms around him.

At first I could have sworn that he had passed away right in my arms, but as I continued to hold him, I fel his muscles relax.

"I'm sorry. About everything."

For what felt like hours there was silence as both of us held each other tightly, absorbing each other's body heat.

"I miss her so much..."

With those words he finally broke down, finally let all of his pent up emotions escape. For the first time I saw him cry. But I said nothing, instead just listened while he sobbed.

I couldn't take him. He was hers.

They truly loved each other, and I doubt anything would change that. He was like the dog that had gotten out of her house; they might have been separated right now, but they both knew that the dog would eventually find its way home.

I broke the embrace and headed towards the door, promising my return.

Because although he would never feel towards me, a lonely cat, what he felt towards his owner, I knew that I could at least replace her until he found his way home.


End file.
